Insisting that he embodies the spirit and soul of all Santa Claritans, Kellar said the 30-foot concrete sculpture would depict him holding a piece of barbed wire in one hand and a sign in the other that reads: “Bob Kellar Welcomes You.”

According to Kellar, the statue would be crafted by his gardener’s brother-in-law’s cousin.  “We probably don’t even have to pay him,” said Kellar, “because he has no place to live and doesn’t need rent money.”

Responding to criticism that the project is nothing but an exercise in self-aggrandizement, Kellar insisted the statue, tentatively titled “Statue of Bob Kellar,” would not be for himself. “I’m doing this for the children,” he said. “I’m doing this so future generations will know that the ‘Statue of Bob Kellar’ they pass every day on their way to school was based on a real person who was also named Bob Kellar.”

Although his proposal was defeated 4-1 in last night’s council meeting, Kellar vowed to reintroduce it next month.

“The people of Santa Clarita deserve a statue of Bob Kellar,” declared Kellar. “This is what they elected me for, and I’m not giving up on them.”

“It’s campaign time and he’s feeling generous,” explained a staffer. “Last year, he gave out pumpkins.”

Any woman with an unwanted pregnancy can stop by either of the congressman’s offices between 9am and 3pm to request an abortion, which will be performed by McKeon, himself, in the back alleys adjacent to the respective locations.

McKeon is also courting the GLBT vote by running an HIV clinic out of the living room of his Santa Clarita residence, where he will be distributing free condoms with the Bill of Rights printed on them to gay high schoolers.

McKeon, who boasts of having 16 children and 93 grandchildren, said he has never seen a condom before, but feels this is a clever way to get gay teens to learn the Constitution.

Constituents are advised to take advantage of these free services as soon as possible, as they will be aborted on midnight, November 2.

“On November 3rd,” McKeon told one pregnant woman who had been waiting in line for an hour, “we’re taking the government out of big business and putting it back into your uterus.”

“For years, we’ve been trying unsuccessfully to throw our city back a century or two,” noted Mayor Laurene Weste. “By officially becoming part of this old-fashioned, traditional community, Santa Clarita can finally be true to our wholesome conservative values.”

“We can paint everything in black and white,” added Mayor Pro-tem Marsha McLean, “and it’ll be just like living in Mayberry!”

The annexation was narrowly approved by Santa Clarita voters in a special election. “I don’t know nothin’ about no Mentryville,” said one resident. “But if Frank Ferry thinks it’s a good idea, then dagnabit, so do I.”

Weste noted that the empty commercial space, which has plagued the city for years, will be a “natural fit” with the old one-room school house and other dilapidated structures in this 150-year-old ghost town.

The Santa Clarita City Council will be dissolved immediately, and management of the new town, to be renamed “MentaritaVille,” will fall under the jurisdiction of 163-year-old local saloonkeeper Cowboy “Buck” McCormick, who also serves as Sheriff and Justice of the Peace.

Theodore Roosevelt, who died in 1919, will be recognized as the current U.S. President, and former council member Bob Kellar will head up a posse to keep them injuns out of the territory.

Although women will no longer be able to vote in the new community, they will be allowed to have a job, where they can earn up to 35 cents for every dollar made by their male counterparts.

In a “Welcome Note” tacked onto a nearby oak tree, Sheriff McCormick tells the erstwhile Santa Claritans, “If anyone is thinkin’ of causing any trouble, think again.”

It is this philosophy that has kept Mentryville crime-free for over a hundred years.

Added McCormick: “I don’t want no trouble, you hear?”

“The City of Santa Clarita throws its unconditional support behind Mel Gibson,” reads the opening paragraph of the resolution, “the man who directed the greatest film of Jesus ever made.”

In an audio clip that surfaced on the internet earlier this month, the Lethal Weapon star is heard threatening his ex-girlfriend in a violent tirade of racial slurs and epithets.

“He [Gibson] is not a bad guy,” stated Kellar, who expressed his frustration at the way people are “given labels” merely because of the words they choose. “Just because someone uses the N-word doesn’t make him a ‘racist,’ any more than saying he hates all Jews makes him an ‘anti-Semite.’”

Kellar believes the whole matter has been blown out of proportion, and the city should stand behind Gibson as a matter of principle. “Just because he smashed his girlfriend’s face in, gave her a few bruises and broke all her teeth, doesn’t make him an ‘abuser’ — he was clearly just trying to make a point.”

The resolution, expected to pass with a unanimous vote, extends an open invitation to Gibson to relocate to Santa Clarita.

“If those Beverly Hills lefties chase him out of town,” noted Kellar, “we want Mel to know that he always has a home here.”

Gibson was unavailable for comment.

Added Kellar: “If we were all judged on the things we did and said — and how we felt inside and if we treated everyone fairly, regardless of race, religion, blah blah blah — my fellow council members and I wouldn’t keep getting elected every year.”

Bob Haueter (left) unwittingly attends an anti-Buck McKeon rally.

SANTA CLARITA — Bob Haueter, the Deputy Chief of Staff for Congressman Howard P. “Buck” McKeon, accidentally attended an anti-McKeon rally over the weekend.

“I saw a bunch of protestors marching down Valencia Boulevard,” explained an embarrassed Haueter. “I thought they were tea-partiers, so I just grabbed a sign and joined them. In retrospect, I guess I should have read it first.”

McKeon took it all in stride. “After 18 years in office,” lamented the 9-term incumbent, “screw-ups like this happen all the time.”

The congressman said he was headed back to Washington to cast a “yes” vote on a bill that  ”either increases defense spending or raises interest rates on student loans.”

“I haven’t really read the whole thing,” he admitted. “I leave that kind of stuff up to my Deputy Chief of Staff.”

“Mr. Kellar has become somewhat of a folk hero around these parts,” said Principal Mary Maureen Christiansen. “The children watch all his YouTube videos, memorizing his every word, and we study the impact of all the important groundbreaking ordinances he has passed during his tenure as a lifetime member of the City Council. We’ve even identified a section of road that received a new coat of asphalt as the result of a vote that he participated in, where he was the tie-breaker.” 

The focus of the school, according to its website, will be on “encouraging children to take control of their anger, frustration and rage, and directing it toward anyone who looks and sounds different from them.”

According to district records, enrollment for the new semester will be down by over 300 from last year.  “Thanks to a few calls made by Councilman Kellar, about half of our student body and their families were able to return to their homes in Mexico — and very quickly, I might add,” stated Christiansen, whose birth name is Annabella Garcia Hernandez, but had it legally changed shortly after the news broke of Kellar’s involvement with the school, “which makes our teacher-to-student ratio the lowest in the district.” 

(click to enlarge)

According to Christiansen, even their newly revised “Pledge of Allegiance” will reflect their devotion to the revered public official. “When the Kellar Institute opens,” she said, “our children will be pledging allegiance not just to a piece of cloth with Bob Kellar’s picture on it, but to Bob Kellar, himself. We’re all so honored.” 

A massive opening day dedication ceremony has been planned, complete with high school marching bands, food from local caterers and an original theatrical production put on by the school’s third grade students, called “Proud Racist,” which includes a “quite spectacular” musical number of the same name. 

Students will be attending a special summer program in musical theater to prepare for the festive dedication.  

“We’ll be rehearsing all summer long,” added Christiansen, “to make sure this it the best tribute the world has ever given Bob Kellar.”

Defenders of Kellar insist he described himself in that manner as some form of rhetorical hyperbole.  Hmm, let’s see… Hyperbole is a literary device wherein a fact is exaggerated in order to emphasize a point.

Thus:

“He’s the cheapest S.O.B. who ever lived.”  =  “He’s really cheap.”

“My boss never sleeps.”  =  “My boss works a lot.”

“They’ll take my gun from my cold, dead hands.”  =  “I have a small penis.”

The Most Baffling Use of Hyperbole Ever in the Entire Universe

If he was speaking hyerbolically, then was the Councilman exaggerating  when calling himself a “proud racist” to emphasize the point that he is a “modest  racist”?  Or a “racist-in-training”? Or just a “plain, old every day racist”?

Here’s a simple test (don’t’ panic; it’s only one question and requires a “Yes” or “No” answer):

If you are not a racist, would you ever — under any circumstances — profess that you are?

Think about it.  It’s a safe bet that open-minded people who practice tolerance and believe in equality would never — ever — use that term to describe themselves.  Would you?

It would be like standing before an assembled crowd and declaring, “I’m a BP executive!” or “I’m a politician!” neither of which anyone in their right mind would ever ejaculate — especially if attending a Greenpeace meeting or a Tea Party rally — unless it were true (and even then, one would be wise to keep it to themselves).

Are You a Racist?

If you find it difficult deciding whether or not you are a racist, here’s a simple flow chart to help you make that determination.

Santa Claritans honored by city council.

SANTA CLARITA, CA — The First Annual Santa Clarita Gay & Lesbian Festival will be sponsored by the city as part of a weeklong “SCV Gay Days” celebration.

Councilmen Frank Ferry and Bob Kellar came up with the idea, as they discussed ways to pay tribute to the gays and lesbians residing in Santa Clarita.

“One of the most important things we can do in local government,” lamented Ferry, “is to find ways to make the gay community feel cherished and valued.”

Kellar agreed. “It’s even more important than immigration reform,” he said. “We can send the illegals home tomorrow, but we can wait no longer to honor the homosexual.”

The Council voted unanimously to support the proposal. “We’re proud of the gay heritage of our valley, and of the young gay men and women who live, work and practice their homosexuality in our humble little town,” declared Mayor Laurene Weste, “and this festival is our way of letting them know, ‘It’s okay to be gay.’”

Kellar said this is all part of a larger, community education campaign. “Gays, lesbians and transgenders are no different from you or me,” he said. “Just because God doesn’t allow them to get married, doesn’t mean we should deprive them the freedom to choose how or with whom they can express their love.”

The city is hoping the festival will attract more gay business owners. “Open up your shops here,” said Ferry. “Help boost our economy with your little boutiques and hair salons.”

The festivities kick off with a retrospective of gay cinema to be shown inside the council chambers.

“Frank and I reviewed all the films beforehand,” noted Kellar, “and didn’t find them too overly homoerotic at all.”

Ferry nodded in agreement. “All the scenes, especially the close-ups, were executed very — what’s the word? — oh, yes, ‘artfully.’” He said he will be talking to the William S. Hart District to get them to add some of the titles to the high school curriculum. “Maybe it’ll inspire the kids to produce movies of their own.”

Despite a vocal group of protestors picketing outside City Hall, council members have remained steadfast in their determination to move forward with their gay agenda.

After enduring weeks of catcalls and threats, Kellar responded to criticism of his own involvement with the festival. “If wanting to end discrimination against gays and lesbians makes me a lover of homosexuals,” he bellowed, “then I’m a proud homosexual lover.”

“For one day a year, we’ll all be gay,” quipped Ferry, “and my name will be spelled like it sounds.”

More information on the Santa Clarita Gay & Lesbian Festival will be available soon.

SANTA CLARITA — Citing the financial success of the red light cameras used to spy on criminal motorists who thumb their noses at the California Vehicle Code, council members announced today they will be installing similar cameras inside toilets located throughout their jurisdiction.

The city’s website clarifed that cameras will be installed not just in public restrooms, but “inside the toilets in every bathroom of every residence within the city limits.”

“We believe certain elements of our community are using their rectal cavities to conceal things they don’t want us to see,” declared Mayor Laurene Weste, who said the cost of installing the cameras will be paid for by funds received from the American Recovery and Reinvestment Act of 2009. “With these cameras, we will be able to identify unusual items jammed into the bowels of our citizens, and issue appropriate citations where necessary.”

“We made a sh*tload of cash from the red light cameras,” according to Councilman Frank Ferry, “and these toilet cams will bring in so much revenue, we’ll be able to finance all of our election campaigns for years.” (When informed that this would be an illegal use of public funds, Ferry backpedalled. “Sorry. I didn’t know.”)

Local activists have criticized the program as a flagrant violation of an individual’s right to privacy, but city officials vehemently disagree. “That argument would never hold up in court,” responded Ferry, ”because we are not focusing on faces, only rectums. Duh.”

The company that monitors the red light cameras will also be monitoring the toilet cams, utilizing the same set of guidelines. Should intestinal contriband be discovered, a photograph will be sent to the alleged infringer along with a citation.

If a person believes the rectum in the photograph is not theirs, city officials said he or she will have the opportunity to dispute it in court.

“Good luck with that,” added Ferry.

Mayor Laurene Weste discovered the ancient passageway while studying a map of the SCV transit system. She noticed that by taking Soledad Canyon to Valencia Boulevard, motorists could traverse the entire city from the east end to the west.

“Conversely,” noted a disheartened Weste, “you can also drive from west to east.”

The Mayor called it an “Aha!” moment when she realized that Valencia Boulevard actually turned into Soledad Canyon.

“Despite our previous misconceptions, these are not two completely separate streets that have nothing to do with one another,” she explained to her colleagues at the last council meeting. ”Rather, they form a single thoroughfare,  joined together in one contiguous roadway, creating a dedicated route that stretches from the 5 to the 14.”

The announcement that a way to cross the valley had existed for almost a half a century prior to the opening of the city’s much heralded road project left officials dumbstruck.

“All this time, we already had a Cross Valley Connector,” laughed Councilmember Laurie Ender, “and didn’t even know it.”

Cross Valley Connector: Opening Day Ceremony

An embarrased Weste told reporters that while she and her fellow council members accept some of the responsibilty for the gaffe,  the public must share the blame. “If someone had brought this up at one of our meetings over the ten-year period that it took to complete the project,” she noted, “we would have halted construction immediately.”

Councilman Bob Kellar contends he opposed the project from the beginning. Instead of investing $245 million in tax revenue to build a redundant roadway, Kellar said he would have preferred spending the money on building a ten-foot concrete block wall along the Canyon Country border to prevent illegal immigrants from entering Valencia.

For her part, Weste remained philosophical about the costly new highway.  “At least we finally got to use that stage coach for the opening day ceremony,” she said. “We can cross that off our bucket list.”