PICTURED: Discounted McKeon Bags

STEVENSON RANCH, CA — A report released today reveals that Congressman Buck McKeon and his wife, Patricia, a candidate for the California State Assembly, paid a discounted price for grocery bags purchased from the local Vons market – a discount that was unavailable to the general public.

The paper bags, for which most customers are charged 10 cents apiece, were sold to the McKeons for five cents each, which represents a discount of 50%.

Buck McKeon denied any knowledge of receiving the special rate. “Had I known about the discount,” explained the ten-term congressman and Chairman of the House Armed Services Committee, “I would certainly have purchased only half as many bags.”

Patricia McKeon initially denied the accusation, asserting she always paid a dime for every bag she bought. When learning that store records indicated she had indeed been charged only five cents each, she performed her own independent audit, eventually coming up with an explanation for the discrepancy.

It was an “Aha!” moment for the 69-year-old mother of 12.

“I always thought the smaller coin was the nickel and the larger coin was the dime,” she explained. “Why would a coin that’s worth less be larger in size than one that’s worth more?”

Mrs. McKeon, who is paid $3 million a year as the finance manager for her husband’s campaign,  said that when she is elected to the Assembly, she will introduce a bill to correct this glaring problem with the monetary system. “I will fight to make the value of every coin correspond to its respective size.”

Although charged only 5 cents per bag, financial records indicate Mrs. McKeon was reimbursed $7000 per bag by the McKeon for Congress campaign.  A McKeon staffer said the $127,000 in total grocery bag reimbursements is completely legitimate. “We’re compensating Mrs. McKeon for her time carrying the bags from the store to her car.”

Local businessman Scott Wilk, McKeon’s main opponent in the Assembly race, said these allegations will destroy McKeon’s chances of being elected. “Her whole campaign is based upon her professed outrage at having to pay ten cents per grocery bag,” noted Wilk, trying hard to restrain a sardonic grin. “Ten cents, indeed!”

Mrs. McKeon, who is currently running for a seat in California’s 38th Assembly District, said she has never acted professionally and got the idea to seek the part after being charged $12.50 for a movie ticket. “It just made me furious,” she said. “When I was a kid, the cost of a movie was a nickel.  No one has the right to rip off the public like that, other than my husband and me.”

At 69, she is slightly older than the other Bond girls in the film, but as the male audience for the Bond films has also aged, producers are betting that she can attract the over-60, divorced and lonely male audience, who traditionally don’t go out to movies and prefer to stay at home, getting drunk.

Director Sam Mendes thought it was “some kind of sick joke” when producers told him he would have to cast Mrs. McKeon in the role.  But when informed that defense industry behemoths (and McKeon donors) Lockheed and Boeing were providing the production company millions of dollars in military technology, Mendes was onboard.

“With today’s sophisticated computer graphics, we can make any aging political hag look like Pia Zadora, circa 1985,” said Mendes, “so I figured, ‘Why the hell not?’”

Insisting that he embodies the spirit and soul of all Santa Claritans, Kellar said the 30-foot concrete sculpture would depict him holding a piece of barbed wire in one hand and a sign in the other that reads: “Bob Kellar Welcomes You.”

According to Kellar, the statue would be crafted by his gardener’s brother-in-law’s cousin.  “We probably don’t even have to pay him,” said Kellar, “because he has no place to live and doesn’t need rent money.”

Responding to criticism that the project is nothing but an exercise in self-aggrandizement, Kellar insisted the statue, tentatively titled “Statue of Bob Kellar,” would not be for himself. “I’m doing this for the children,” he said. “I’m doing this so future generations will know that the ‘Statue of Bob Kellar’ they pass every day on their way to school was based on a real person who was also named Bob Kellar.”

Although his proposal was defeated 4-1 in last night’s council meeting, Kellar vowed to reintroduce it next month.

“The people of Santa Clarita deserve a statue of Bob Kellar,” declared Kellar. “This is what they elected me for, and I’m not giving up on them.”

“It’s campaign time and he’s feeling generous,” explained a staffer. “Last year, he gave out pumpkins.”

Any woman with an unwanted pregnancy can stop by either of the congressman’s offices between 9am and 3pm to request an abortion, which will be performed by McKeon, himself, in the back alleys adjacent to the respective locations.

McKeon is also courting the GLBT vote by running an HIV clinic out of the living room of his Santa Clarita residence, where he will be distributing free condoms with the Bill of Rights printed on them to gay high schoolers.

McKeon, who boasts of having 16 children and 93 grandchildren, said he has never seen a condom before, but feels this is a clever way to get gay teens to learn the Constitution.

Constituents are advised to take advantage of these free services as soon as possible, as they will be aborted on midnight, November 2.

“On November 3rd,” McKeon told one pregnant woman who had been waiting in line for an hour, “we’re taking the government out of big business and putting it back into your uterus.”

“For years, we’ve been trying unsuccessfully to throw our city back a century or two,” noted Mayor Laurene Weste. “By officially becoming part of this old-fashioned, traditional community, Santa Clarita can finally be true to our wholesome conservative values.”

“We can paint everything in black and white,” added Mayor Pro-tem Marsha McLean, “and it’ll be just like living in Mayberry!”

The annexation was narrowly approved by Santa Clarita voters in a special election. “I don’t know nothin’ about no Mentryville,” said one resident. “But if Frank Ferry thinks it’s a good idea, then dagnabit, so do I.”

Weste noted that the empty commercial space, which has plagued the city for years, will be a “natural fit” with the old one-room school house and other dilapidated structures in this 150-year-old ghost town.

The Santa Clarita City Council will be dissolved immediately, and management of the new town, to be renamed “MentaritaVille,” will fall under the jurisdiction of 163-year-old local saloonkeeper Cowboy “Buck” McCormick, who also serves as Sheriff and Justice of the Peace.

Theodore Roosevelt, who died in 1919, will be recognized as the current U.S. President, and former council member Bob Kellar will head up a posse to keep them injuns out of the territory.

Although women will no longer be able to vote in the new community, they will be allowed to have a job, where they can earn up to 35 cents for every dollar made by their male counterparts.

In a “Welcome Note” tacked onto a nearby oak tree, Sheriff McCormick tells the erstwhile Santa Claritans, “If anyone is thinkin’ of causing any trouble, think again.”

It is this philosophy that has kept Mentryville crime-free for over a hundred years.

Added McCormick: “I don’t want no trouble, you hear?”

“The City of Santa Clarita throws its unconditional support behind Mel Gibson,” reads the opening paragraph of the resolution, “the man who directed the greatest film of Jesus ever made.”

In an audio clip that surfaced on the internet earlier this month, the Lethal Weapon star is heard threatening his ex-girlfriend in a violent tirade of racial slurs and epithets.

“He [Gibson] is not a bad guy,” stated Kellar, who expressed his frustration at the way people are “given labels” merely because of the words they choose. “Just because someone uses the N-word doesn’t make him a ‘racist,’ any more than saying he hates all Jews makes him an ‘anti-Semite.’”

Kellar believes the whole matter has been blown out of proportion, and the city should stand behind Gibson as a matter of principle. “Just because he smashed his girlfriend’s face in, gave her a few bruises and broke all her teeth, doesn’t make him an ‘abuser’ — he was clearly just trying to make a point.”

The resolution, expected to pass with a unanimous vote, extends an open invitation to Gibson to relocate to Santa Clarita.

“If those Beverly Hills lefties chase him out of town,” noted Kellar, “we want Mel to know that he always has a home here.”

Gibson was unavailable for comment.

Added Kellar: “If we were all judged on the things we did and said — and how we felt inside and if we treated everyone fairly, regardless of race, religion, blah blah blah — my fellow council members and I wouldn’t keep getting elected every year.”

Bob Haueter (left) unwittingly attends an anti-Buck McKeon rally.

SANTA CLARITA — Bob Haueter, the Deputy Chief of Staff for Congressman Howard P. “Buck” McKeon, accidentally attended an anti-McKeon rally over the weekend.

“I saw a bunch of protestors marching down Valencia Boulevard,” explained an embarrassed Haueter. “I thought they were tea-partiers, so I just grabbed a sign and joined them. In retrospect, I guess I should have read it first.”

McKeon took it all in stride. “After 18 years in office,” lamented the 9-term incumbent, “screw-ups like this happen all the time.”

The congressman said he was headed back to Washington to cast a “yes” vote on a bill that  ”either increases defense spending or raises interest rates on student loans.”

“I haven’t really read the whole thing,” he admitted. “I leave that kind of stuff up to my Deputy Chief of Staff.”

“Mr. Kellar has become somewhat of a folk hero around these parts,” said Principal Mary Maureen Christiansen. “The children watch all his YouTube videos, memorizing his every word, and we study the impact of all the important groundbreaking ordinances he has passed during his tenure as a lifetime member of the City Council. We’ve even identified a section of road that received a new coat of asphalt as the result of a vote that he participated in, where he was the tie-breaker.” 

The focus of the school, according to its website, will be on “encouraging children to take control of their anger, frustration and rage, and directing it toward anyone who looks and sounds different from them.”

According to district records, enrollment for the new semester will be down by over 300 from last year.  “Thanks to a few calls made by Councilman Kellar, about half of our student body and their families were able to return to their homes in Mexico — and very quickly, I might add,” stated Christiansen, whose birth name is Annabella Garcia Hernandez, but had it legally changed shortly after the news broke of Kellar’s involvement with the school, “which makes our teacher-to-student ratio the lowest in the district.” 

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According to Christiansen, even their newly revised “Pledge of Allegiance” will reflect their devotion to the revered public official. “When the Kellar Institute opens,” she said, “our children will be pledging allegiance not just to a piece of cloth with Bob Kellar’s picture on it, but to Bob Kellar, himself. We’re all so honored.” 

A massive opening day dedication ceremony has been planned, complete with high school marching bands, food from local caterers and an original theatrical production put on by the school’s third grade students, called “Proud Racist,” which includes a “quite spectacular” musical number of the same name. 

Students will be attending a special summer program in musical theater to prepare for the festive dedication.  

“We’ll be rehearsing all summer long,” added Christiansen, “to make sure this it the best tribute the world has ever given Bob Kellar.”

Defenders of Kellar insist he described himself in that manner as some form of rhetorical hyperbole.  Hmm, let’s see… Hyperbole is a literary device wherein a fact is exaggerated in order to emphasize a point.

Thus:

“He’s the cheapest S.O.B. who ever lived.”  =  “He’s really cheap.”

“My boss never sleeps.”  =  “My boss works a lot.”

“They’ll take my gun from my cold, dead hands.”  =  “I have a small penis.”

The Most Baffling Use of Hyperbole Ever in the Entire Universe

If he was speaking hyerbolically, then was the Councilman exaggerating  when calling himself a “proud racist” to emphasize the point that he is a “modest  racist”?  Or a “racist-in-training”? Or just a “plain, old every day racist”?

Here’s a simple test (don’t’ panic; it’s only one question and requires a “Yes” or “No” answer):

If you are not a racist, would you ever — under any circumstances — profess that you are?

Think about it.  It’s a safe bet that open-minded people who practice tolerance and believe in equality would never — ever — use that term to describe themselves.  Would you?

It would be like standing before an assembled crowd and declaring, “I’m a BP executive!” or “I’m a politician!” neither of which anyone in their right mind would ever ejaculate — especially if attending a Greenpeace meeting or a Tea Party rally — unless it were true (and even then, one would be wise to keep it to themselves).

Are You a Racist?

If you find it difficult deciding whether or not you are a racist, here’s a simple flow chart to help you make that determination.