SAUGUS, CA –  When Pendejo Canyon Elementary School re-opens in the fall, it will be renamed the “Bob Kellar Institute for American Supremacy” to honor the Councilman for his “leadership in making our community safe for democracy.” 

“Mr. Kellar has become somewhat of a folk hero around these parts,” said Principal Mary Maureen Christiansen. “The children watch all his YouTube videos, memorizing his every word, and we study the impact of all the important groundbreaking ordinances he has passed during his tenure as a lifetime member of the City Council. We’ve even identified a section of road that received a new coat of asphalt as the result of a vote that he participated in, where he was the tie-breaker.” 

The focus of the school, according to its website, will be on “encouraging children to take control of their anger, frustration and rage, and directing it toward anyone who looks and sounds different from them.”

According to district records, enrollment for the new semester will be down by over 300 from last year.  “Thanks to a few calls made by Councilman Kellar, about half of our student body and their families were able to return to their homes in Mexico — and very quickly, I might add,” stated Christiansen, whose birth name is Annabella Garcia Hernandez, but had it legally changed shortly after the news broke of Kellar’s involvement with the school, “which makes our teacher-to-student ratio the lowest in the district.” 

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According to Christiansen, even their newly revised “Pledge of Allegiance” will reflect their devotion to the revered public official. “When the Kellar Institute opens,” she said, “our children will be pledging allegiance not just to a piece of cloth with Bob Kellar’s picture on it, but to Bob Kellar, himself. We’re all so honored.” 

A massive opening day dedication ceremony has been planned, complete with high school marching bands, food from local caterers and an original theatrical production put on by the school’s third grade students, called “Proud Racist,” which includes a “quite spectacular” musical number of the same name. 

Students will be attending a special summer program in musical theater to prepare for the festive dedication.  

“We’ll be rehearsing all summer long,” added Christiansen, “to make sure this it the best tribute the world has ever given Bob Kellar.”