SANTA CLARITA — Council members voted unanimously Friday to approve oil exploration and drilling in the Santa Clara River, a generally dry riverbed that originates in the San Gabriel Mountains and travels through the Santa Clarita Valley on its journey to the Pacific Ocean.

The city’s website touted the initiative as a way to “create jobs and give back to the oil industry.”

In light of the environmental catastrophe created by the BP oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico, the council also approved the SCV “Plan for Oil Spill Emergency Response,” which outlines procedures for containment in the event there is a catastrophic spill and no Hispanic dayworkers to clean it up.

The Plan requires the city to purchase 20,000 feet of boom, which would be used to prevent gushing oil from reaching the banks of the Valencia Town Centre, where it could invade empty retail spaces, making them even more unleasable than they already are.

In addition, an emergency animal care center will be established to clean oil off the opossums, coyotes and feral cats that share our community.

Councilman Bob Kellar pointed out the importance of protecting the local wildlife. “If them ‘possums and cayoots die out from that smelly black stuff,” he said, “there’ll be nothing left to shoot at but illegal immigrants!”

Kellar clarified his remarks by stating, “If that makes me an insensitive bastard, then I’m a proud insensitive bastard.”

Should oil contaminate the river, wash ashore on the roads and streets, or sink into the water table, the Plan requires the city to do everything in its power to assist the culpable oil company in rebuilding its public image.

“If oil ever spilled into the river,” noted one city insider, “it would be disastrous for the oil industry and the elected officials at all levels of government who profit from them.”

To counter any negative publicity, another provision in the Plan calls for the city to post signs stating “Oil Contaminated Water Presents No Health Risks.”

According to Kellar, it would the first city notice ever printed in Spanish.

“I came up with that one, myself,” he added.