SANTA CLARITA, CA –Council members voted unanimously today to make English the official language of the city.  Anyone found speaking in a foreign tongue within the city limits will be cited, fined and deported to Val Verde.

“We’re not saying that people can’t think in their own language,” noted Mayor Laurene Weste, “but as soon as they open their mouths, whatever comes out has to be in English, the native language of America.”

In addition to the spoken word, all signs and documentation can only display information written in “the accepted alphabet of God.”

“If Pablo wants to open up a store,” explained Councilman Bob Kellar, the main force behind the ordinance, “he will have to call it ‘Paul’s Store,’ and not ‘El Store-o de Pablo.’”

To keep in line with the new ordinance, council members have already voted to rename the city, itself.  Beginning Monday, Santa Clarita will be officially known as “Little Saint Clara.”

City workers have already begun replacing signs. “We’re not really sure who this little Clara person was,” added Kellar, “but she was a Saint, which means she probably wasn’t Mexican — or Jewish — so we’re okay with it.”

Congressman Howard P. “Buck” McKeon said he was a ”little shocked” to learn that the town he helped found was named for a woman. “But then I got to thinking, she probably lived a long time ago, before all this equality nonsense.  I’m sure she was a good, obedient wife, and a good example for today’s young women.”

In addition to the name change for the city, Soledad Canyon Road will be renamed “Lonely Street, ” paseos will now be called “sidewalks,” and a resolution was passed declaring that “Valencia” is named after the variety of orange and not the town in Spain.