SANTA CLARITA, CA — Ever since Councilman Bob Kellar exclaimed, “I am a proud racist!” at an anti-immigration rally in February, much controversy has circulated as to whether Kellar is actually a bigot, or simply hasn’t mastered the nuances of the unofficial language of the United States, and thought he was telling people of his fondness for driving fast cars.

Defenders of Kellar insist he described himself in that manner as some form of rhetorical hyperbole.  Hmm, let’s see… Hyperbole is a literary device wherein a fact is exaggerated in order to emphasize a point.

Thus:

“He’s the cheapest S.O.B. who ever lived.”  =  “He’s really cheap.”

“My boss never sleeps.”  =  “My boss works a lot.”

“They’ll take my gun from my cold, dead hands.”  =  “I have a small penis.”

The Most Baffling Use of Hyperbole Ever in the Entire Universe

If he was speaking hyerbolically, then was the Councilman exaggerating  when calling himself a “proud racist” to emphasize the point that he is a “modest  racist”?  Or a “racist-in-training”? Or just a “plain, old every day racist”?

Here’s a simple test (don’t’ panic; it’s only one question and requires a “Yes” or “No” answer):

If you are not a racist, would you ever — under any circumstances — profess that you are?

Think about it.  It’s a safe bet that open-minded people who practice tolerance and believe in equality would never — ever — use that term to describe themselves.  Would you?

It would be like standing before an assembled crowd and declaring, “I’m a BP executive!” or “I’m a politician!” neither of which anyone in their right mind would ever ejaculate — especially if attending a Greenpeace meeting or a Tea Party rally — unless it were true (and even then, one would be wise to keep it to themselves).

Are You a Racist?

If you find it difficult deciding whether or not you are a racist, here’s a simple flow chart to help you make that determination.